I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
