she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
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These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
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he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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