I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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