I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
It's no shave November. This is our time.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
