So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
