6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
