i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
