So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
