You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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