She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just googled if crying burns calories
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
