Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
