Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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