Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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