My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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