You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
