A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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