The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Green mimosas i think yes
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm having to shit out rocks
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