All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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