smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
