eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
