I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
