Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
