Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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