I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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