Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
