We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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