A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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