i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
