an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I am one with the molecules
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize