I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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