Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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