dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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