Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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