omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
