I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
