I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
