the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
