You smell like a Billy Joel song
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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