Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
