I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
