I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
