I am spending my child support on dildos
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
