Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I want a musical about memes.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
