he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
