hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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