i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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