I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
