I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
