I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We're too hungover to prance.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
