if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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