genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
