Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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