you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
