don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
