what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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